UTMWWoQS, Entry the Third
Mushrooms for dinner, mushrooms for lunch once again. I rode the Led Zeppelin until the Hindenburg realization that the time of to blog is upon us. Interzone is nice this time of the decade, while Mr Burroughs says hello and I wave backwards a sly understanding. It's in my knife, I realize as it asks me a question.
Love, love, love. Can't buy me love. I thought love was only true in fairy tales, meant for someone else but not for me. Matt tells me he loves his girlfriend Stephanie, and I'm inclined to believe him. All you need is love. Love. Love is all you need.
Ahem. Excuse me, but it seems as though the fungus samples I brought back were even more infrared than I expected, so pardon my English as the wings fade away once again.
This week, folks, I think I'll share my thoughts on a subject that is particularly relevant to world affairs this week. You see, my friend Matt is building a computer game about a dungeon-quester, and I thought that since many people, including him, do not know the scientifically correct facts about some of the most common dungeon denizens. I assure you, this will help you out significantly if you ever find yourself to be endungeoned.
First note: If a rotund townsman (possibly the mayor of the town) with a moustache ever offers you a moderate sum of money to clear a sewer of rats, make sure you are aware that sewers are often connected to the first level, or first several levels, of a dungeon. This being so, the rats which you have been commissioned to remove from the sewers may not be ordinary rats, but they may in fact be mutated rat-men. Rat men can claw you for 2d5 damage or throw spears with moderate accuracy, also for 2d5 worth of damage.
Note secondly: Blubbering masses of goo may inhabit the previously mentioned sewer / dungeon. Be aware that masses of goo may blob towards you, and crawl on you to attack. Although they usually move slowly and are not much danger in small numbers, blubbery piles of mobile goo may fission into smaller piles of mobile blubbery goo, which, feeding on the slime-coated sewer floor, may grow into full-sized goos, whereupon they will again fission, quickly creating a large overpopulation problem. Certain goos may also secrete acid, which may damage your armour or sword.
For the third noting, you should note the following: Skeletons are scary. They can emerge from coffins, shallow graves, crypts, sarcophagi, or even piles of bones. Blunt weapons work well on skellingtons, since they can crush the bones and make it difficult for the skellingtons to regroup their pieces. Be warned: Skeletons are especially icky if they still have bits of meat hanging off of them. They are often summoned by the magic of a Necrowizard.
Note fourthly: Bats are not monsters, but they can be scary sometimes. Most of them are actually harmless, but some may bite when provoked. Bats can carry rabies, so be careful.
Note the Fifth: You can smell zombies from a long way off. Try not to let them get too close, or you may have to puke. Spraying Lysol or Old Spice body spray on zombies is known to help with the smell, and they will be happier now that they don't have such terrible body odour. If you have no Lysol or Old Spice, throwing a pine-scented air freshener from the local gas bar around their neck will work just as well.
A note about bosses: Try to stay away from Big Bosses. Unless you have the magic sword that is. Big bosses are usually bad-tempered and don't want to talk things out.
That is all for now! I'm going to go see if my friend Matt (not to be confused with me Matt) has implemented these facts correctly.
Fare thee well,
---Uncle Travelling Matt.
Love, love, love. Can't buy me love. I thought love was only true in fairy tales, meant for someone else but not for me. Matt tells me he loves his girlfriend Stephanie, and I'm inclined to believe him. All you need is love. Love. Love is all you need.
Ahem. Excuse me, but it seems as though the fungus samples I brought back were even more infrared than I expected, so pardon my English as the wings fade away once again.
This week, folks, I think I'll share my thoughts on a subject that is particularly relevant to world affairs this week. You see, my friend Matt is building a computer game about a dungeon-quester, and I thought that since many people, including him, do not know the scientifically correct facts about some of the most common dungeon denizens. I assure you, this will help you out significantly if you ever find yourself to be endungeoned.
First note: If a rotund townsman (possibly the mayor of the town) with a moustache ever offers you a moderate sum of money to clear a sewer of rats, make sure you are aware that sewers are often connected to the first level, or first several levels, of a dungeon. This being so, the rats which you have been commissioned to remove from the sewers may not be ordinary rats, but they may in fact be mutated rat-men. Rat men can claw you for 2d5 damage or throw spears with moderate accuracy, also for 2d5 worth of damage.
Note secondly: Blubbering masses of goo may inhabit the previously mentioned sewer / dungeon. Be aware that masses of goo may blob towards you, and crawl on you to attack. Although they usually move slowly and are not much danger in small numbers, blubbery piles of mobile goo may fission into smaller piles of mobile blubbery goo, which, feeding on the slime-coated sewer floor, may grow into full-sized goos, whereupon they will again fission, quickly creating a large overpopulation problem. Certain goos may also secrete acid, which may damage your armour or sword.
For the third noting, you should note the following: Skeletons are scary. They can emerge from coffins, shallow graves, crypts, sarcophagi, or even piles of bones. Blunt weapons work well on skellingtons, since they can crush the bones and make it difficult for the skellingtons to regroup their pieces. Be warned: Skeletons are especially icky if they still have bits of meat hanging off of them. They are often summoned by the magic of a Necrowizard.
Note fourthly: Bats are not monsters, but they can be scary sometimes. Most of them are actually harmless, but some may bite when provoked. Bats can carry rabies, so be careful.
Note the Fifth: You can smell zombies from a long way off. Try not to let them get too close, or you may have to puke. Spraying Lysol or Old Spice body spray on zombies is known to help with the smell, and they will be happier now that they don't have such terrible body odour. If you have no Lysol or Old Spice, throwing a pine-scented air freshener from the local gas bar around their neck will work just as well.
A note about bosses: Try to stay away from Big Bosses. Unless you have the magic sword that is. Big bosses are usually bad-tempered and don't want to talk things out.
That is all for now! I'm going to go see if my friend Matt (not to be confused with me Matt) has implemented these facts correctly.
Fare thee well,
---Uncle Travelling Matt.
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